Dear Baby,

For the love of all that’s holy, PLEASE go to sleep. Pretty please? Mommy’s been rocking and shushing and walking the floors with you for over an hour. Mommy just needs a break. Mommy wants to shower…maybe eat something…maybe watch a TV show???? And mommy really needs to pee.

Oh, you’re not sleepy? Mommy’s new at this and doesn’t know what she’s doing. Ahhhh…let’s go play.

{An hour later}

Back into the glider we both go…creak, creak, creak. Next up, the yoga ball…bounce, bounce, bounce. Why is your head soaked with sweat? Are you too hot? Did mommy overdress you again? Let’s go change. Feel better? That’s good. Now, where were we? How about a lullaby or two? A Christmas carol? An ’80s hair band song?

Oh my goodness, why is this taking so long tonight????

Oh, you’re hungry now? Let’s nurse. Now the other side. Back to the first side. Now you’re wet? Let’s change your diaper. Better? That’s good. Finally, the eyes get droopy. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel!

Mommy’s left arm is numb…bladder about to burst…a horrible itch forming in the most unreachable part of my back…

…but baby is finally asleep. Your beautiful lashes fan over your face. I never noticed how long they were before! Your breathing is slow and steady and calming to me. And that cute button nose…you definitely have your daddy’s nose (despite him saying you have my nose). Your cheeks are so soft and squishy I can’t help but kiss them. You stir in your sleep and I silently berate myself. Bad mommy! Never wake a sleeping baby!

The moment I’ve longed for is here. Freedom is within reach! All I have to do is put you down and walk away.

And yet…I find myself lingering. I tousle your long brown hair and marvel at your curls. I look at your delicate fingers and tiny hands. I stare at your perfect skin and my heart explodes in my chest.

I still can’t believe I’m a mommy. Not only that, I’m a mommy to you.

I know that the years will fly by. (I still can’t believe that I’m 40!) As much as I long for alone time, I want to cherish all of these moments. With baby #2 on the way, my one-on-one time with you is also limited, making these moments all the more bittersweet.

Now that you’re finally asleep…I miss you. Isn’t mommy crazy???? But it’s true. I miss your giggle and your smile and your sweet personality.

So for now, my TV shows and bladder and stomach can wait. For now, I want to hold you a little longer and a little tighter. I want to love on you and cuddle you and respond to your needs, even if it means I do nothing but sit here and stare. The dishes and laundry can wait. I am exactly where I’m meant to be.

I love you.