How to Change Your Baby’s Diaper When She’s Part Octopus


  1. Wrangle baby octopus child onto changing table/couch/floor/nearest flat surface.
  2. Realize you are out of diapers and release baby octopus child back into the wild.
  3. Go through house in search of diaper.
  4. Chase giggling baby around room.
  5. Pick up thrashing, back bending baby and repeat step #1.
  6. Remove pants from thrashing (and now screaming) baby without letting baby fall.
  7. With one hand, open package of wipes.
  8. Yell out “Eeek!” when you realize she has undone her diaper for you.
  9. Yell out an even louder “Eeek!” when you see what is inside (and now outside of) said diaper.
  10. Remove diaper from child’s bottom, thereby spreading contents onto changing table, changing pad, clothes that were laying on changing table, her pants, socks, and leg.
  11. Let out a litany of “Nooooooo”s as you attempt to stop baby from touching her leg.
  12. Frantically sing whatever song comes to mind (aka “the big distraction”) while you wipe her hands, leg, and bottom.
  13. Accidentally rip tab off of diaper while rolling up diaper, resulting in a dirty hand.
  14. With that same dirty hand, wipe sweat that is pouring from your forehead like Niagara Falls.
  15. Realize what you’ve just done and scream while grabbing a wipe for yourself.
  16. Put clean diaper on baby. {cue Hallelujah music} 
  17. Grab baby’s pants and attempt to place on writhing (and now giggling) baby.
  18. Lift baby up and realize you’ve put both of her legs into one pant leg.
  19. Repeat step #1.
  20. Fix baby’s pants.
  21. Release baby octopus child back into the wild.
  22. Scrub baby’s clothes and throw into washing machine and disinfect changing area.
  23. Wash your hands.
  24. Repeat step #1 with baby octopus child’s little sister. 
  25. Decide that now would be an opportune time for a bath.
  26. Pour self a glass of wine. 

How to Change Your Baby\'s Diaper When She\'s Part Octopus